“When you reach the end of your rope, tie a knot in it and hang on.” -Franklin D. Roosevelt
What’s the point anyway?
So much of life is just plain hard! At times it doesn’t even feel worth it to hang on and let the dreams, that once mattered so much to us, take another second of our thoughts. Anything other than reality is pretty much obsolete. There has to be more than this.
And I believe there is.
When our once-upon-a-time dreams seem so much bigger than the mundane, day-to-day grind, it can feel like we’re not fulfilling our calling. But I know God has a purpose for all of it, even the underwhelming stuff. So if there’s purpose in all of it, what is it?
What is my purpose? Is purpose temporary? Circumstantial? Is it different than my calling? Isn’t a calling supposed to be lifelong meaning? Is it the same as destiny?
Even without any answers, we can feel secure in God’s faithfulness. It’s okay to not have the answers. The bigger picture is that God is in control and He does have the answers. God’s got it.
Especially in our pain. God will hang on.
It may not feel like it sometimes, but I truly believe there is purpose in pain. Let me tell you from experience, the painful process becomes a little more manageable if it’s accompanied by the hope that my effort to endure won’t be wasted. The tears matter!
If music is a source of encouragement and renewal for you as it has always been for me, here’s a song that sparks that joy and hope in me. I’ve been enjoying the songs of this sibling trio a lot recently. Click the link to hear one of my favorites . . .
“I’m in over my head | But going down isn’t going under . . . I’m ready to see the mysteries awaiting in deeper water”
It could just be that God is inviting us into something bigger than ourselves. It may seem impossible, but if we hang on and lean into it, we might learn to understand the value of responding to life in a way that pleases Him, despite the struggle.
"And so, from the day we heard, we have not ceased to pray for you, asking that you may be filled with the knowledge of his will in all spiritual wisdom and understanding, so as to walk in a manner worthy of the Lord, fully pleasing to him: bearing fruit in every good work and increasing in the knowledge of God; being strengthened with all power, according to his glorious might, for all endurance and patience with joy; giving thanks to the Father, who has qualified you to share in the inheritance of the saints in light. He has delivered us from the domain of darkness and transferred us to the kingdom of his beloved Son, in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins." Colossians 1:9-14 ESV
It has been in those moments that God has shown me his unmistakable kindness with an intentional, overwhelming awareness of his presence! My family went through a season with countless moments like this, covered in God’s protection and favor.
Childhood cancer.
When your two year old stops thriving, and is near death, it’s hard not to melt into a puddle of tears, paralyzed with fear and defeat. And there were definitely days of that for my husband and me. However, from the beginning, I chose to cling to God’s faithfulness and sovereignty, trusting His peace that found its place in my heart.
"You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast, because they trust in you. Trust in the Lord forever, for the Lord, the Lord himself, is the Rock eternal." Isaiah 26:3-4 NIV
I trusted that my son would survive, and that God would use him to strengthen others throughout his life. I knew that the road through childhood leukemia would be scary and painful, but I didn’t lose hope. Looking back with the hindsight I now have, it’s clear to me how God worked this truth in the life of our son.
Ezekiel – “God will strengthen”
September is Childhood Cancer Awareness Month. So I want to invite you in, behind the scenes, to get a glimpse of what it’s like to have a child with cancer, and also celebrate with us that my baby beat it!
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
So let me tell you a story…
Admitted to the hospital on July 2, 2015 and diagnosed the next day, immediate blood transfusions were necessary, because he was at high risk of heart failure and system shutdown.
Zeke was 2 yrs & 2 mos., Joey was 9, Mac was 9 1/2 months, and the week prior to his diagnosis we’d found out I was pregnant with baby #4 – Curtis, who would join the crew 7+ months into treatment.
Steroids are rough on a little body. The belly and the face blow up like a balloon, accompanied by a ravaging appetite with insatiable cravings around the clock. Cheese…Zeke could never get enough cheese! His legs were skinny with bone damage caused by the chemo, and often couldn’t support his excess weight. Plus, the two year old tantrums were still a thing. Imagine the “Terrible Twos” on steroids…literally!
The steroids essentially would jump start his immune system. The consistent doses spiked his levels of various blood, platelet, and immunity dependent aspects of his body so that it would have a better chance of fighting the effects of not only the cancer, but the chemo as well.
Family played a significant role in the years of treatment, right from the start.
Daddy, Zeke, Auntie Faith and Uncle Tripp spent the 4th of July together watching the fireworks show from the 6th floor clinic windows on his third day of treatment. Since Zeke couldn’t leave the hospital, we brought the family to him. We developed a routine during the overnight chemo schedules. Mom would work remotely at the hospital with Zeke during the day while Dad worked at the office, and Grandma & Grandpa watched the two brothers. Then we would all meet for dinner in Zeke’s room, followed by the shift change. Dad would spend the night with Zeke, and Mom would take the brothers home.
This is when Dad’s journaling began, eventually turning into Ezekiel’s Path: Our Family’s Walk Through Childhood Leukemia. Before we knew it (my pregnancy was a blur), Baby Brother’s first visit to the Pediatric Oncology Clinic to stay with Mommy and Big Brother was when he was 3 days old, and he quickly became a favorite chemo companion.
Childhood Cancer Awareness Month 2016 #AmericanChildhoodCancerOrganization #Over5,700ChildrenHonored #GoGoldInSeptemberChildhood Cancer Awareness Month 2017 #AmericanChildhoodCancerOrganization #GoGoldForKidsWithCancerChildhood Cancer Awareness Month 2018 #AmericanChildhoodCancerOrganization #ACCOgoesgoldfor10,334kids #GoGoldChildhood Cancer Awareness Month 2019 #AmericanChildhoodCancerOrganization #ACCOgoesgoldfor11,096kids #fighter
Clinic days and Peds floor stays were exhausting and incredibly boring. After watching “Frozen” or “Monster’s Inc.” for the third consecutive viewing in a twelve hour period
Every. Single. Day. 🥴😬
. . . as the yellow miracle poison slowly dripped, everyone in attendance would be feeling a little stir crazy! But there were only so many times you could take a lap in the wagon around the Pediatric Department before the “outing” lost its appeal. Any ideals of limited screen time went completely out the window from the time of our first extended stay.
However, as draining and discouraging as the 3 1/2 years of treatment could be, our doctors, nurses and social workers never failed to bring smiles enough to share!
A HUGE thank you to our Kaiser family!
You all played such a meaningful and invaluable part in Zeke’s story. We love you!
And if you hadn’t already noticed, Tobey (the giraffe) might have been Zeke’s biggest, most constant source of comfort and love. 🧡
Last Day of Chemo – “It was tough, but I was tougher!”
Here are some of Adam’s thoughts during those difficult treatment days, from one of his recent articles. Click the link below to read the full article.
. . . It had been a very difficult night at the hospital for Zeke. He’d recently been added to the “high risk for relapse” list and so his treatment had to be switched around and intensified, which made for longer stays at the hospital and more extreme treatment, which just made everything all around more difficult, uncomfortable, and more painful in general. This particular day was after multiple nights in the hospital, lying awake as Zeke slept. During that whole first year, whenever Zeke had to stay overnight (which felt more often than not), I’d often just lie awake writing in my journal, which eventually led to the book I published, Ezekiel’s Path. So, after multiple sleepless nights of nurses coming in every hour to check vitals and the sound of medical equipment beeping and whirring, Stacia arrived at the hospital so I could go to work… and that is when I heard that song for the first time.
I remember feeling like walking death, super exhausted, horribly emotionally bankrupt, and just feeling about as hopeless as possible… when those opening lyrics hit me…
“They say sometimes you win some, sometimes you lose some/Right now I’m losing bad…”
from the article, “Finding Triumph Through Tribulation” by Adam Lowe
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